Mourning the loss

Many of you have asked questions that I haven't been sending out via our regular adoption update...

For those of you who do not know, I am in graduate school to acquire my Nurse Practitioner credentials. I am excited about working in this role at the clinic where I am currently employed. I think it will be exciting as well as challenging. Going to school through an online program for nursing is interesting. In many ways it is more challenging than a classroom. There is no immediate feedback, which makes me more motivated to investigate the answers to many of my own questions. That can be time consuming and rewarding at the same time. The amount of reading is enormous. I have been taking classes for about eight months. Jamie has been so supportive of all this entails. I do most of the work after the boys go to bed so it doesn't affect them very much. The biggest problem is getting information to stick to my jell-o brain after 8pm! Pray for me. My next class is called "Scientific Inquiry" I think the reading may be a little dry for that time of night...

Also, we get inquiries as to the girls' well being and anticipated arrival time. We know better than to assume any kind of timeline with Haiti, but our paperwork was going through so smoothly that we got a little bit excited. There had been a log-jam of sorts in the office of Ministry of Interior over the last year. This is the nearly the last step when adopting through Haiti. The log-jam had been "pushed out" for lack of a better term just before our paperwork was to enter. This got us excitedly thinking we may be traveling to pick our girls up in the early part of 2008. 

I began allowing myself to become emotionally attached to the girls in the last couple of months. Instead of being excited about the idea of adopting them I became excited about adopting these girls, that they would be MY girls. A couple of weeks ago we got the news that MOI was still taking three to four months to process paperwork. We had only been in for a month and a half or so. (I actually found out that one of our girls' office hasn't even made it to this office yet...) My hopes for traveling in January were dashed. I sank into depression. I was going through the motions, but the tears have been just behind my eyes at all times for the last couple of weeks. I have not felt a disappointment like this since my brother died years ago, and I haven't even lost them. It makes no sense to me that we have already legally adopted these girls. They even have our last name and yet we have no authority to go get them. My mind is aware that God has his perfect timing. I'm not trying to second guess that timing. God has proven his best interest for us over and over. I just cannot understand it. This is one of the things that makes God so awesome and us so frail and weak. We have to rely on Him and trust Him when things don't make sense. Anyway, it has been nearly unbearable to talk about or write about. I have now decided if we travel anytime before August I will consider it a blessing. Expect difficulties and anything less will be a blessing. 

Please pray for my stamina in school. I was looking forward to a six month leave. Pray that I continue to enjoy the amazing boys the Lord has blessed me with now. Pray that my heart would be content with the Lord's decision of "not quite yet." Pray for Jamie as he gets the brunt of most all of this and is ever so patient with me. Pray that the boys would understand what it means to wait patiently. Pray that the paperwork moves quickly and without further delay. Pray for my relationships with other adoptive parents to develop so I may be more prepared for the things to come. Please pray for anything else that moves you. 

With Love,

Vanessa